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Here it is, two A.M and I can’t sleep. I have to be in up in six hours; at this rate, I may STILL be up at that point. My mind keeps racing, but it’s going so fast that I can’t even tell what any of the thoughts are. I really hope I get a new psychiatrist soon, because I know part of the problem is that my meds need to be increased. It’s been a really long time. In the mean time, I just have to do my best to stay above water, so to speak. I have a few things that keep me going; I just have to put all my energy and focus into those things.

 

For a while, I thought about taking myself off the meds and not going to therapy any more, but in reality, I don;t think that would be a very good idea. No one else seems to either, which i guess is a sure fire sign that I shouldn’t do that. It just gets to tiring; I’ve been taking medicine all my life for various things, and they all give me unpleasant side effects. Plus, with therapy, I just get sick of having to show how I’m really feeling and what I’m really thinking. Most people can read me really well anyway, it’s just a scary thing to have to do on a bi-weekly or tri-weekly basis.

 

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2 Comments

  1. When sleep won’t come, day life feels enormous. Every step, every word in a conversation, everything you study. Then comes the rush. I would swear to a court of law the act of becoming horizontal sends every bit of energy to my brain. And going around again, it feels impossible. I went six days without any sleep; I was out of my mind, incoherent and crying while sitting on the floor. I had quit eating and drinking at some point, but I have no idea when. Then I passed out. I do mean passed out.

    In the past few years, I have found one trick to sleeping. I get as comfortable as my body allows. With my eyes closed, I wait, letting thoughts pass, for circles or spreading areas of light/dark behind my eyelids. This signals to me that my mind is ready and I let them come faster, trying to let go of any thought (which reverses the process). It’s something like those gag gifts for “hypnotizing.”

    You’re right; keep taking the medication until you have someone to guide you to something better.

    Meanwhile, I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  2. thank you for your kind words. That really means a lot to me to have someone who doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall offer encouragement.


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